Past and Present Shades
by Laurel Carter
Summary: Ana and Christian are enjoying their time together. Ana is not the loving type. Christian thinks he has found his more. What happens when the past returns for both of them? Short Story. OOC.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own these characters or the story. All credit to the author and fsog.

I watch as he buttons his shirt back up his muscular, toned body. He even makes dressing look incredibly sexy. I don't know how that's even possible.

"If you keep staring at me like that we will never leave this room." His deep, husky voice alerts me to the fact I haven't taken my eyes off this gorgeous man in a while. I still don't understand how this beautiful man, Adonis himself, wants to be with me. We've been together only a few short months, but it feels like a lifetime. A smile spreads across my face as I place my halo diamond earrings in.

"I would love to know what is going on inside that pretty little head of yours that is causing you to smile." His arms wrap around me and he pulls me flush against his body. I can feel his hard member making its presence known as it pushes into my back. I melt into him. I look up into his eyes through the mirror and find them dark with lust.

"I'm thinking about how great these past few months have been." I admit truthfully. I'm not one to share my feelings so freely. His eyes go from dark to light as he pulls me even closer to him.

"It's been the best months of my life and I can't wait for many more." He whispers sweetly in my ear while keeping his eyes locked on mine. I feel my gut sink at one particular word he used. More. Christian is always bringing up more. He talks about the future, me moving in with him, and one day he even randomly brought up babies. More is what he is after.

"Come on, let's go or we might get stuck in traffic. We wouldn't want to leave your best friend waiting." I end this moment before it becomes another fight between us. Christian looks upset as usual, but he offers me a smile anyways. I grab my purse and hold my hand out for him when I reach the doorway. His smile electrifies at my gesture, so much that it is almost blinding. He grabs my hand, giving it a tight squeeze, before we make our way to the restaurant.

"Baby." Christian calls me out of my thoughts as he grabs my hand and leaves small kisses along my knuckles. "Please stop worrying, you look so beautiful tonight. It's not like it's us three going out to dinner alone. Everyone else will be there too." He tells me with one last kiss to my hand before he holds it in his lap. Christian's best friend is in town for the weekend. I've met all of his friends except this one and supposedly he is very important. They grew up together, lived together in college and when Christian was starting his company up. They both dropped out at the same time and moved back to Seattle. They stopped living together when Sawyer moved for a job but remained best friends nonetheless. Apparently, this guy is like family to Christian and I find myself even more nervous than when I actually met his family.

We pull up to the restaurant, leaving the Audi with valet. Christian takes my hand as we walk inside. I realize for the first time since being with Christian, Taylor is not accompanying us inside or even with us tonight. It's like we are just normal people, not a billionaire CEO and his date.

"As much as I love this dress, I can't wait to see it on the floor tonight." Christian whispers in my ear in a breathy voice and it causes my stomach to clench in response. I'm tempted to suggest we skip dinner and head home now. I lean up and kiss his neck in response, unable to utter a single word right now. I smooth my black bandage dress over my body, which is dumb because it fits like a glove. When Christian saw me in this dress the first time, he almost had a coronary. Then the following weekend after he saw it, I found one in every color and style located in his closet. That was when he first brought up more. He played it off casually and stated he only wanted me to wear them if I was with him. Therefore, they needed to be at his home. I asked him to explain the other clothes he bought me that were next to the dresses, but he played that off as well.

The hostess shows us to our table and we find everyone else is already here besides Sawyer. Actually, I expected more people to be here than there are. We take the two seats across from the other empty one. I sit next to Kate, who's next to Elliot then Mike, the empty seat, Heather, Bennett, Mia's husband Eric, Mia then Christian. Everyone at this table basically grew up together except me. I'm the newbie and most days it's incredibly hard to fit in. They are all older than me by a few years at least. Most of the time it's just them talking and me listening. I can't actually recall a moment when one of them started a conversation with me or asked anything about my personal life.

Everyone greets us and they all say hello. All the guys immediately start a conversation up with Christian. The waiter takes our drink orders and brings them out swiftly. I try to stay involved in the conversation, but they are talking about something that happened in high school which I wasn't there for. I sip on my drink but almost spit it out when I hear a familiar deep voice from behind me. Fear paralyzes me and my body becomes rigid.

"I thought I'd never see the day Christian Grey orders wine at a high end restaurant." The voice booms and everyone at the table laughs except me. Christian stands up and shakes the man's hand. I turn around and watch him as the guy pulls him into a quick side hug, much like his other friends do. Christian hates being touched unless it's on his terms. I have yet to even touch his chest or back with my own hands.

"Ana, this is my best friend Sawyer." Christian's chipper voice pulls me from my thoughts once again tonight and I remember my manners. I stand to shake his hand. My face remains impassive, but his eyes widen when he sees me. I hold out my hand for him to shake, attempting to keep the awkward confrontation away for the moment. He clears his throat before his large hand engulfs my petite one.

"Luke Sawyer. It's nice to finally meet the woman who has captured my best friends heart." He says quietly. I pull my hand away from his. I think he would have held on for far too long if I hadn't. I can feel Christian's eyes swinging between us. He pulls me into his side and places a kiss on my temple.

"Ana. It's nice to meet his very best friend." I smile at him and he smiles back although it doesn't reach his eyes. We all take our seats and everyone else greets Luke much like they did us when we got here. They all start their chatter back up, effectively leaving me out once again. This time, it doesn't hurt though. My thoughts are occupied with this new situation and how I am going to handle it. My eyes move to Christian and I watch as he animatedly talks to Luke about his company. His words come back to me "Sawyer is family. He's blood even if we aren't from the same parents."

How do I tell Christian that his very best friend is the same guy I had a fling with while I was studying in Europe? How do I tell the man I have sex with more than three times a day that I've also had sex with his best friend? My mind is swirling with scenarios and I can only seem to latch onto one. I'll wait until the dinner is over then make an excuse to leave. Then I can go back to my house alone. That will give me a whole night to figure out the best way to handle this. Even though I feel guilty about not telling Christian right away, I would feel even more guilty killing the happiness that is radiating through him. It's obvious Luke isn't going to say anything either right now, so I let some of the tension release from my body.

"Ana, what is it that you do?" Someone asks me and I am momentarily caught off guard. I have no idea how long I've been inside my head and I can feel the blush rising out of embarrassment. My brain finally registers that it was Luke who asked.

"I'm an editor for a local publishing house." I tell him with the best smile I can muster up at the moment. It's quiet around the table as I speak and I watch Sawyer's eyes quickly scan everyone sitting at the table then make their way back to me.

"That's awesome. What's your favorite genre to work with?" He asks and I can tell he is generally curious. He's not making small talk; he actually is interested in what I do.

"Right now it's crime novels, but to be honest I love almost every genre equally." My dorky smile appears like it always does when I talk about books. I quickly try to hide it away before anyone else sees it.

"She's incredibly smart. She went from assistant to editor in less than two months. She's increased their profits by 60 percent and she has two authors on the New York Times Bestsellers List." Christian brags on me and my blush radiates off me. I look up at him and he is looking at me with so much pride. Another emotion flutters across his eyes, but it is gone before I can figure out what it was. Our moment is broken by the waiter who has returned to take our order.

The rest of the night goes by slowly. Everyone is so enthralled with Christian and Luke as they reminisce about the "good ole days". Luke attempts to include me, but his attempts are always thwarted by someone else bringing up another hilarious story.

Our plates are cleared away and a few people order desserts. Christian orders us both one more glass of wine. I excuse myself politely, saying I need to use the ladies room. Only Christian and Luke notice. They kindly stand when I do. Christian pulls me flush against him before I move from the table.

"Want me to go with you?" He whispers huskily into my ear. I know he isn't being a gentleman with his offer. He is being the sex crazed man he normally is. He wants to fuck me in the bathroom and most nights I would be up for it. I shake my head no, remaining quiet as I start to move away from him but he pulls me back.

"Hey. You okay?" He asks. I finally look up at him, thinking he has caught on to how quiet I've been all evening, how crappy his friends treat me, or the fact Luke hasn't stopped staring at me all night. However, his true thoughts come out before I can answer. "You never turn down a fuck when it's somewhere we could get caught." I stare at him for a moment, reminding myself and the tears that are threatening to show that I do not cry in front of people. My impassive mask slips on and I feel my confidence return.

"I'm fine, I just need to actually use the restroom. I'll be back in a few." I don't give him time to respond as I pull away from him and make my way to the ladies' room. I quickly do my business and wash my hands. I stare at myself in the mirror.

"What the hell have you gotten yourself into, Steele?" I ask myself. I shake my head at my reflection. There is absolutely no way this can end well. No positive outcome is even remotely possible. I push all of these thoughts out of my head as I feel the anxiety start to build within me. I'll work through the best way to handle this when I get home, alone.

I make my way out of the bathroom when I realize Christian will be looking for me soon if I don't return. A strong hand grasps my arm and pulls me back. I swivel on the spot and see that familiar face from a year ago. I take him in fully this time - since the hallway has brighter lights than the dining room. His usually happy face that I remember has sadness etched all over it.

"Annie…" He calls me by my nickname, leaving it hanging between us. I speak up before he has a chance to say anything else.

"I need to get back before Christian comes looking for me." I tell him sincerely, not wanting to look like a bitch. He quickly halts me again.

"Wait. Give me 5 minutes." I look back towards the dining area, making sure we are completely out of view. I have no idea where this conversation will go or end up and I don't think an audience is needed.

"Okay, five minutes. Go." I tell him while my eyes bore into his. I want to give him my undivided attention now, to get whatever is resting on his chest out there. His mouth opens and closes clearly at a loss of how to start his words.

"I never thought I would see you again…" He says with a miserable look forming on his face followed by a frown. "I never thought I would see you again sitting next to my best friend as his date - his girlfriend."

"Luke-" I start but he cuts me off.

"No, don't. Let me get this out." He takes a deep breath and looks me square in the eyes. Luke is about as brave as I am. We don't shy away from speaking our minds and telling people exactly what we feel. The only problem is actually getting our vulnerable feelings out. We tend to hide those deeply, so I know this hard for him.

"I've been mesmerized by you all night." He chuckles and runs a hand through his brown hair. "No, I was mesmerized by you the moment I laid eyes on you the very first time. You told me upfront what type of relationship you were looking for. Better yet what you weren't looking for. So I surrendered myself to whatever you wanted, just so I could be around you. What we had was more than just fun. It was the most exhilarating time of my life. You taught me new things about life that I didn't even know existed. Then you left. I knew it was coming. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't. That last night together, I planned to tell you that I loved you. I had fallen so hopelessly in love with you-"

"Luke, why are you bringing this up now? That was months ago…" I cut him off and try to shut this down at the same time. My gut is twisting at the fact he thought he loved me. It wasn't like that between us. He shakes his head and looks to the ceiling, clearly upset. I look back to the dining room, ready to get back to Christian.

"Do you love him?" My head whips around so quickly I fear I've given myself whiplash. The raw pain coming through in his words hit me like a bucket of cold water.

"No." It takes me no time to answer him truthfully. I don't do this whole love thing. I explained it to Luke and Christian along with every other man I've been with. I explain that if that's what they are looking for then our "relationship" is over before it started. They've all agreed they weren't looking for that and we've proceed to enjoy each other's company. And yes, by company I mean sex.

He lets out a shaky breath and wipes his hands over his face. It's quiet for a moment, but then he speaks again throwing me for a loop.

"Do you know how hard it is to watch my best friend and know he is in love with you? The same girl I loved months ago…that I still love now. Do you know how hard it is to know you don't love him, but how happy it makes me at the same time?" He asks sincerely.

"Christian and I don't love each other Luke. We have an agreement, one just like we did. He is not in love with me. You are not in love with me. It's lust, that it." I run my hands through my hair, tugging slightly in an attempt that the pain will make some of this anxiety disappear. "I'm going to tell Christian. I just want you to be prepared." I tell him. He nods his head solemnly and processes my words.

"Just give me until tomorrow to spend some time with him. He's like a brother to me. I just need one more day until everything comes crashing down." His words hit that deep ache in my heart. Another reminder of how close they are to each other. I nod my head once, agreeing to his timeline. I turn around and walk back towards the dining room without another word to Luke.

As I near, I see they are all still laughing at whatever is so hilarious at the moment. I slide in next to Christian and he pulls me into his side. He leans in close to me, leaving a very sensual kiss behind my ear. It doesn't give me the desired effect it used to though.

"Everything okay, baby? You were gone for longer than I expected." His breath tickles my ear as he whispers his concerns.

"I'm fine. There was a long line at the restroom." I give him the best smile I can muster up. His eyes travel from my lips to my eyes and he searches for the truth behind them. However, he doesn't find what he's looking for. He leans down to leave a soft kiss on my lips and he lingers there for a moment before pulling away. He checks his watch just as Luke is sliding into his seat. Christian's eyes swing between us before landing back on me. I flash him another smile before reaching for my drink.

Before long, we are all heading out of the restaurant. I can't say I'm sad to see dinner with these people end. I can say that I am thrilled to be heading home for the night - alone.

"Why doesn't everyone come back to our house for drinks and games?" Christian asks everyone loudly as we are standing in front of the restaurant. They all chime their unanimous answer of yes while my eyes bug out at the fact he just stated it was our house. He doesn't even notice his slip, but everyone else silently look between each other. Valet starts pulling cars around and I am thankful we are the last couple left, Luke having road with Elliot and Kate.

We climb in and before Christian makes the turn out of the parking lot, I spring my plans on him.

"Christian?" I call his name sweetly. He reaches over to grab my hand and wraps his around mine.

"Yes, baby?" His eyes shift to me then back to the road.

"I think I want to head home instead of your house." Keep it simple, Ana. I expected for us to talk about this just on the ride home, but not with Christian. Christian pulls off into a parking spot on the busy city street.

"What?! Why?" His outburst causes me to train my eyes on him. He is usually annoyed when I don't do what he wants, but this is different. There is some unnamed emotion lingering in his voice that I have never heard before.

"I'm tired. I've had a really long day and I don't want to drink anymore." I give him a smile with my words. It's all the truth. It's been a week from hell and if I drink anymore I'll just fall asleep.

"No." He says in a stern voice.

"What do you mean 'no'? I'm not asking you, I'm telling you I want to go home." I tell him as nicely as possible. What is up with him? I've never had him flat out refuse to take me home. He always attempts negotiations first.

"You can sleep at my house in the bed we share. I can move everyone to the media room and you won't even hear us. Also, I'll make sure everyone is gone before 1." I release a frustrated breath. See, here are his negotiations.

"Christian, I just want to go home. I'm sure I will see you tomorrow." I grab his hand and give it a gentle squeeze. I'm not trying to start a fight tonight. "Everyone is probably at your house by now waiting on you." I remind him when I look at the clock.

"I don't care about everyone else, Anastasia. You are my only concern and clearly something has happened to make you want to go home." He snaps at me and it catches me off guard.

"Nothing happened Christian." Lie. "I just want to go home. I don't feel like playing games and drinking any more tonight." Not a lie. He eyes me, trying once more to find any information in my eyes. He pulls onto the road and makes the normal route to my house. I'm pleased that he is taking me home, but I can still feel the awkward uncertainty rolling off him in waves. When we finally get to my house, he pulls in the driveway. He usually parks on the street if he is just dropping me off. Confused, I look at him as I see him reach for the keys.

"Why are you turning off the car? You don't need to walk me inside. It's only a few steps to the door." I giggle at his overbearing nature. He acts like the boogeyman can grab me within a second of stepping out of his car or his grasp. He looks at me, a trace of a smile forming on his lips at my giggle. He runs a hand through his hair and reaches for the door.

"Come on. I'm tired too. Let's go get in bed." He says while getting out of the car. I'm floored by his words. Why would he stay here when his friends are waiting for him at his house? I usually wait for him to open my door but not tonight. I slam it closed and meet him while he is rounding the massive suv.

"Why did you get out? You know I like opening the door for you." He says with an annoyed tone. I glare at him, annoyed myself.

"Christian, you are not staying the night. You have friends and family waiting on you at your house. You can't just leave them waiting for you all night." I feel exhausted at this point. We've spent the night apart before. Why is tonight different? I look up into his eyes and see the pain sitting there.

"I'm not worried about them, Ana. I'm worried about my girlfriend who doesn't want to go home with me or let me stay at her house." He is taking on his CEO persona and I feel my back straighten. Okay, Steele. Time to lay the law down like you've done several times before.

"Christian. Nothing is wrong. I simply want to go inside my house and crawl in bed. I want you to go home to your friends and your best friend. You've talk about this weekend for so long. Go enjoy it. Call me in the morning, okay?" I lean up and kiss his cheek, leaving no room for discussion. He grabs me, pulling me flush against him and nuzzling into my neck. I can feel the anxiety and tension in his body.

"I'll call you before I go to bed and then again in the morning when we decide to eat breakfast or lunch. You'll come, right?" He sounds like a lost boy right now. I run a hand through his hair and he closes his eyes while letting the feeling soak in.

"Just call me, okay?" One more kiss and I tell him goodbye. I get inside the house and rest against the front door after I shut it. The reality of what's going on finally hits me. I can feel the anxiety starting to form again in my stomach. The sweats start next. I run to the bathroom in the hall and throw up my dinner. I sink to the floor after, searching for the energy to get up. I'm going to lose Christian and mess up his relationship with his best friend. There is no way to win here, for anyone.

I find the strength I need to get up and take medicine for me stomach. I do that then proceed to get ready for bed. As I'm lying in bed, I make a mental list of all of my options. When I tell Christian he will go ballistic. He is an incredibly jealous man who will most likely end his friendship with Luke then end things with me. I try to continue my search for the right solution, but the medicine works faster than I remember. I'm asleep before I even form an option two.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own these characters or the story. All credit to the author and fsog.**

A loud noise goes off and my eyes quickly open. I thought that noise was a part of my dream. I blindly search for my phone on the nightstand. The sun is attempting to break through into my bedroom, but I'm one step ahead of it with double sided curtains. The room is still dark for the most part and I find I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open still.

I find my phone just as it stops ringing. I sit up when I see how many missed calls and messages I have. Most are from Christian. I must have fell asleep before talking to him last night. When I look at the time I see it's 10:45 am... how in the world did I sleep so late. I haven't slept past 6 am since I was in college.

My phone starts ringing again and it's like a moment of clarity for me. I only see one way to solve this problem between Christian, Luke, and I. Resolve hits me and I know what must be done now. I answer the phone before I cuts off.

"Hello?"

"ANA! What the fuck? Why aren't you answering my phone calls or messages?" He is frantic as he speaks and my heart aches a little more.

"Christian. Calm down, I'm fine-" I start to explain but he cuts me off.

"Don't ever tell me to calm down, Anastasia." He growls over the phone and my spine straightens itself out. I'm silent, waiting for him to speak again. I'm not putting up with his crap today. I need to start making my decision believable anyways.

"Ana?" His small voice echoes through the phone after he releases a sigh.

"Yeah?" I answer back annoyed.

"I didn't mean to yell at you." _Of course you didn't, Grey._ "I was just worried about you."

"Like I said before you cut me off, I'm fine. I fell asleep as soon as I got home and just now woke up when I received your 800th call." My voice is void of emotion as I have to explain what I've been doing or lack thereof. I hate having to explain myself and Christian, well, he wants to know what has happened every minute of my day. I frown as that thought hits me. _How did I put up with this for months?_

"I'm sorry, okay?" He attempts an apology, but I remain silent letting him lead this conversation. "Luke and I are about to leave for brunch. Everyone is meeting at the new restaurant in Pike Market. I'll pick you in twenty minutes."

Fuck.

"Actually, I think I'm going to pass this morning. You go ahead and eat something yummy for me." I try to sound less impassive and aim for sincere, but I'm not sure if it came off that way. I wait for a response from him, but I'm met with silence from his end. I keep with my earlier philosophy and remain silent. He finally responds after a long, quiet minute.

"Ana…" The pain in his voice wounds me and I have no doubt that he knows something is up. "This is the second time you've done this in less than 24 hours. Is something wrong? Have I done something?" Him worrying over this just makes all of this worse. He shouldn't care about me or this relationship.

"No... I just want to go back to sleep. I'm tired. Go have fun with Luke. Enjoy some guy time." I aim to give Luke the time he wanted with Christian, but as of my decision earlier it won't be needed.

"Can I see you later? Luke is going to his parents' house tonight." He sounds like a small, lost child and it chills me to my core. It's reminds me of my childhood - a time I would rather forget. This moves my plans up earlier than I hoped, but there is no perfect time to break up with someone.

"Sure. Just call me when you are on your way." I agree nonchalantly. I hang up the phone without a goodbye. I'm prepared to do this. I'm prepared to breakup with Christian so it doesn't end his relationship with his best friend. I decide to shower then plan the best way to end things without making Christian too upset. _Why do you care?_ Another frown forms on my face at the thought. I don't know why I care...I've never cared before when I had to break up with someone. So why is Christian any different?

I place the dishes I used earlier for lunch in the dishwasher and start the machine. A low hum fills the kitchen as I walk away. I grab the remote off the coffee table as I curl up in the corner of the couch. I haven't heard from Christian yet, but I don't expect him for a few more hours. It's only 12:30 pm and I expect they aren't finished with lunch yet.

I flip through the channels without actually paying attention to what's on tv. I'm too anxious for later that I can't focus on anything at the moment. I've already cleaned the house, made lunch, and finished some work. There's nothing left to do until he calls. I finally find a tv show that catches my eye. Surprisingly, it's a real life murder mystery show. I shut my brain off and try to solve the bigger issue on tv. I'm about halfway through the show when I hear a loud noise outside that sounded like a car door slamming. I jump at the noise and sit up straight. I mite the tv waiting to hear anything else and I jump again when a rapid pounding comes from the front door. I get up slowly, a little frightened at who might be at the door. I walk towards it anxiously. When I look through the peephole, I see a disheveled Christian on the other side. I swing the door open, alarmed at whatever has happened to put him in this state. His face is pale and his hair a mess on top of his head. He has one hand propped against the brick next to the door. When his eyes meet mine, I am shocked at all of the emotions in them. Pain, shock, anger, hurt, and that dark fire is burning brightly.

"When were you going to tell me?" He grits out while his jaw visibly clinches together. I know my face must register confusion because he explains further as he gets close to my face. "When were you going to tell me that you've fucked my best friend?" Holy shit. How did he figure it out? I'm confused even more now until something clicks. _Luke._ That asshole told him.

"Christian come inside, please." I open the door for him and he moves past me swiftly. I was expecting for this to happen so soon. I thought I had hours more to figure my words out. I follow him to the living room and watch him as he paces back and forth. He runs his hands through his hair. I'm searching my heads for the right way to approach this. I didn't expect him to ever find out, hence why I was going to end things with him.

"Tell me, Ana. Tell me when you were going to tell me." He begs me much quieter than when he was outside. _Come on, Ana. Get your words out._

"I- I wasn't." I answer honestly. Time to be honest and finish this. This has become a mess of a relationship. It was supposed to be simple. Sex is simple, but not this time. He looks wounded at my words.

"You weren't going to tell me? You have got to be kidding me, Ana!" His shock resonates through his eyes as we stand across the room from each other. He laughs darkly and runs a hand through his hair again. "You weren't fucking going to tell me. Unfucking believable." His dark laugh echoes through the room. His eye find mine and I watch as anger fuels the fire I saw earlier.

"So, let me get this straight. You were going to let me keep falling in love with you-"

"Christian, no…" I cut him off while shaking my head. He doesn't love me. He's confused and emotional. He _doesn't_ love me.

"Don't fucking insult me or my heart, Anastasia." He half screams half grits out. I'm stunned as I've never seen him this angry or hurt before. It's a side I never want to see again to be honest. "Also, don't fucking lie to yourself. You love me. Just as much as I love you. We can keep playing this game you've created for yourself, but I know you more than you know yourself. You love me just as much as I love you!" He continues to ramble on, but I can't concentrate anymore. What the fuck is he going on about? _Love_? No, I don't do _love_. His voice gets louder and it only causes my anxiety level to raise. I'm suddenly nauseous and then the flashbacks start to occur. From my childhood to my adult life. Every moment when I should have been loved, but people decided I wasn't worth that affection. I run my hands through my hair and pull tightly. Christian is still talking and I need to end this. I can't revert back to my old ways and it's going to happen if this continues.

"I was going to break up with you!" I yell in order to get Christian to end his monologue on _love._ I look over at him and watch as he grabs his chest - right over his heart. Pain radiates off his face and I watch as he sinks to the couch.

"What?" He asks in a scared whisper with wide eyes.

"I was-" not was, Ana "I'm breaking up with you." I tell him truthfully as I move closer to him. I watch as tears begin to form in his beautiful gray eyes.

"No…" He says as if it will change my mind. He hasn't taken his eyes off me and I test the waters with moving to sit in front of him on the coffee table. My stomach gurgles again and I have to remind myself it's what's best from everyone involved. He gets to keep his best friend slash family member. I'll be fine. I'll move on...I always move on. I've never had a choice.

"Yes." I counter him. I watch him like hawk watches a wounded animal. My eyes remember every single detail about his face in this moment. I need to remember this feeling. This awful heart wrenching feeling that I've been subjected to before. I need to remember this so I never play with fire again.

"No, please don't do this. I love you. I know you don't want to hear it, but I do. _I love you_." His strangled plea hits my heart like a knife. I can't return those words to him, but I can give him his best friend back.

"Christian, this" I motion between us "is over. I can't return your love. I told you from the beginning what I could offer to you in terms of a relationship. I was honest and upfront about it-" I try to explain but he cuts me off.

"Don't lie to me, please." His angry demeanor is gone and replaced with a broken man sitting in front of me. I reach for his hand that is situated on top of his knee. _Just touch him one last time…_

"I'm not lying to you Christian." I respond gruffly. This is worst than I ever could imagine. I thought he would take this well, not practically in tears over _me._ Sirens are going off in my head that his reaction is important, but I can't focus on them right now. I need to end this so he can get back to his life and _family._

"Why do we have to break up over this? This-" his lips quiver "what I found out doesn't change anything." A small hiccup escapes from him and I immediately get up to grab him a water bottle from the fridge. I hand it to him and he takes it graciously. I'm ready to explain why this is over, but he asks me something that is reminiscent of Luke the night before.

"Do you still love him? Do you want to be with him? Is that why you are breaking up with me?" He regards me carefully, knowing full well he may not like the answer.

"No and no. I never loved Luke. I don't want to be with Luke. I'm not breaking up with you so I can run into his arms." His body sags in what I assume is relief. He places the water bottle next to him on the end table.

"So why? Why does this have to end? I don't understand." He pleads for some sort of explanation.

"It has to end because I slept with your best friend…" I shake my head to rid thoughts of my childhood that same to return "we can't be together Christian. I would never forgive myself if I came in between you and your best friend."

"Ana, I would give up every single person in my life for you!" His voice is louder than normal. He's getting angry again.

"That's the point!" I shout back and jump up from my seat on the coffee table. Why doesn't he get how terrible it would be if he put me above the closest people to him? "Do you know how lucky you are to have every single person you do in your life?"

I wait for a response but it doesn't come. He just watches me as I pace the living room.

"Every single person in your life loves you, Christian. From your family to your _best_ friends. Why would you give them up for someone you've only known a few months? You said Luke was more than your best friend. He was like _family_ to you. Do you not see how lucky you are to have that?" I try my hardest at explaining. _Shut this down, Ana._

"I would give them up because I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life-" he starts but I yell for him to stop with my hands raised towards him. If I don't get him out of here soon, he is going to see how ugly it gets when I start to lose control.

"Stop saying that. I can't give you what you want, Christian. I am not your _more."_ Tears are starting to form and I can't cry in front of him. Then he would see the pain underneath all of this.

"I'll get over the fact you slept with Sawyer." He says this as if it is the answer to everything.

"You are the most jealous man I've ever met, Christian Grey. You have pouted for a week when you found out how many guys I've slept with and that was before we knew your best friend was one of them. How long before you punish me for being with him? Your silence, the never ending questions, and your need to compare yourself to my past. You won't get over it. Don't lie to me." His eyes shift to his lap. He knows I'm right. He constantly feels the need to one up my past. It would be awful if he tried to one up his best friend.

"I could still get over it." His mumbled response is nothing more than that. Mumbled words. _Okay, Ana. Let's end it now._

"Look, there is no reason to continue this. It's clear you want more than what I can offer. I don't want to get married or have children. I'm perfectly fine with my life. I think we were headed for a break up anyways" lie. "It's just better to end this now before it gets even more complicated." I walk towards the door, hoping he gets the hint to follow. I hear his footsteps behind me. I open it for him and step to the side so he can leave. He stares at me for what feels like a lifetime before he leans down and places his lips against mine. I want to fight this. Fight the need to take him to my room and get lost in the ecstasy I crave in moments like this. I end the kiss much to his dislike and look out the door.

He doesn't say anything as he leaves, but I see the hurt all over his face. His eyes are full of unshed tears. He climbs in his suv and leaves without a fight. _Done_. It's over. He can go back to his best friend and all will be right in their world.

But why does it feel like I was just stabbed in the heart? What is this god awful emotion I'm feeling? I close the door and lock it before sinking to the floor in a heap of tears. I crawl to the bathroom and empty my already empty stomach. This is why I don't let relationships get too far. It causes more pain than anyone should ever need.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own these characters or the story. All credit to the author and fsog.

True to Seattle, the weather has matched my mood these past five days. Violent, dreary, and sad. Its stormed violently right after Christian left and has been happening every day since. The sun hasn't come out since Saturday and I can't even say I miss it.

My life has turned from carefree to bleak in the matter of an hour on Saturday. I thought I was going to be fine, like all the times before, but I wasn't. My tears have matched the rain falling and my stomach has matched the storm. I've only had a few crackers here and there when I forced myself to eat. Other than that, I can't stomach the thought. I think my heart is broken. I wasn't aware I even had a heart anymore, but it's the only thing that explains the pain in my chest. The unbearable pain that radiates through my whole body.

I finish eating a few crackers and find myself back on the couch. It's been my place in between work and sleep. I can cuddle into my nook and turn on a true crime show that makes me forget the pain I feel.

A loud noise gains my attention. I realize that noise is coming from the front door. I look to the clock in the kitchen and notice it's close to 8 pm. Who would be here this late? I look through the peephole and the sight has me almost fainting. Christian Grey is standing on the other side. I contemplate if I should open the door or not. Who are you kidding, Ana? Open the damn door. I nod to my self conscious, check myself in the hallway mirror - I've looked worse - and following through with opening the door.

The sight of him alone has my heart beating quickly. His hair and clothes are partially wet. His designer suit is molded to his muscular body, but one thing sticks out. The chucks he is wearing on his feet stick out sorely. Why is he dressed like this? This is very unusual Christian style. My eyes meet his and determination shines brightly back at me.

"Can I come in? I'm getting soaked out here." His quiet voice asks.

"Oh, yes. Of course!" I move to make way for him and we stand awkwardly in the entry way.

"Christian…" I don't know what to say or do right now. He's in my house when I was positive I would never see him again. Not that I don't want to see him, but wouldn't it be easier not to? He picks up a small hand towel I accidentally left on the side table by the door.

"Do you mind?" He asks while positioning the towel on top of his head. A giggle escapes me but I quickly reign it in.

"I don't." I take in his clothes in better light now. He actually is pretty soaked from the rain. "Some of your clothes are still here. Let me grab something for you to change into." I offer and don't wait for him to respond before moving towards my room. I haven't even started to pack his clothes up. I've actually avoided looking at them at all. I find his pajama pants and his old Harvard shirt in my top drawer. I turn around to walk back out and stop in my tracks. Christian is standing in the doorway.

"You didn't pack my stuff up yet?" He asks with an unnamed emotion rising in his voice. I shake my head in confirmation, unable to find my voice. He stalks towards me like he approaching a frightened animal.

"Okay." His word catches me off guard. Okay? What's okay?

"What?" I ask confused.

"Okay. I'll be whatever you want me to be. If you want this to be just sex, it can be just sex. If you want more, it can be more. I won't pressure you into anything and I'll stop bringing up more." He says while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I'm still confused and his words make my head spin. What is he going on about?

I step away from him in hopes of distancing myself so I can think clearly. His scent is too intoxicating right now and I'm like a drug addict who hasn't had a fix in days.

"No, we can't do that. I won't let you do that. You're sacrificing your happiness and relationship with your best friend. I won't allow it." I tell him as I place his clothes on the bathroom counter and walk back into the bedroom. His face looks determined, but his eyes display his hurt.

"I'm not sacrificing anything. I want to be with you and I'll do whatever it takes to do that." He tells me and I'm immediately reminded of Luke's words. I can't do this to both of them.

"Then what? How long until you hold my relationship with Sawyer against us? How long until you start making comparisons?" I ask with a raise of my eyebrow. Christian is the insanely jealous type. If he blows up over the waiter smiling at me, how will he treat me when it's someone more personal?

"I won't." Comes his determined response. "I won't lie and say I don't have questions. Why don't you let me get all my questions out then I'll let it go." I shake my head at his eager try.

"Why would you want to fill your head with things you can't unknow?" I ask in disbelief.

"I would rather suffer knowing what happened between you two then always wondering. It will give me peace of mind about things." Christian says while stepping into the bathroom to change.

I sit down on the edge of my bed while I wait for him to change. My stomach starts to gurgle as the anxiety builds. I can't do this with him. We can't be together. Then why have you spent all week like a heartbroken fool? I squeeze my eyes shut and push that thought away.

"Hey." I open my eyes and Christian is now kneeling in front of me. I didn't even hear him come out of the bathroom. He pushes my legs apart and scoots in between them. He hands my hands gently as if he thinks I'll push him away. I just don't have the fight in me right now.

"What peace of mind are you looking for?" I ask picking up the conversation where we left off. I always forget how small I am compared to him. Even on his knees while I'm on the bed, he still sits almost even with me.

"I am only going to let you know after I get all of my questions out and I am going to ask all my questions if we get back together." He taps my nose and a giggle escapes me. It's his signature move when I ask too many inquisitive questions.

"God, I love that sound. I could listen to it on repeat every single day." His words cause my instant blush to appear.

"You'd get tired of it." I reply jokingly.

"See, here's the thing Ana. I wouldn't. I don't think I could ever tire of you. You are so beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, and you have a heart of gold. You make me laugh and continue to teach me new things about life every single day. You've opened my eyes to this whole new world of possibilities. I'm so thankful I met you and I'm blessed for the months we've had. Because they've been the best months of my life." I stare at him while he speaks. The conviction in his words and the look in his eyes lets me know he truly feels this way...about me. I'm once again dumbfounded by this handsome man.

"I can't give you what you want." Is my only response and it's even tiring to my own ears.

"You are all I want. I told you earlier I would take you anyway I can and I meant it." He squeezes my hands reassuringly.

"And when you want to get married or have kids? What happens?" I ask him truly curious.

"It'd be great to have those things one day, but I would only want them with you-" I cut him off mid-sentence.

"Exactly. What happens when you finally realize I can't give that to you? I keep trying to tell you that I don't want those things. The fact you want them makes us completely incompatible. Why don't you see that?" I shrug his hands away from my own as I jump up off the bed. My hands immediately find my hair and tug slightly as I run them through. I close my eyes as I feel the anxiety run through my veins.

"Ana." He calls my name but I don't open my eyes. "Ana, look at me. Please." Open your eyes Ana. Face this head on like you do everything else. I open my eyes to find him standing in front of me.

"I hear you, okay? I promise I hear you. You don't want marriage and children." I stare at him as he repeats my words. I know he knows this, but why can't he think about this in terms of the future? "Can I finish what I was saying before you cut me off earlier?" He asks with a smirk. I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

"Yes, go ahead." I give him the green light but he doesn't say anything. Instead he starts to look around my room. His eyes land on the bed and a smile falls on his face. He climbs up on the bed and positions himself against the headboard. He moves the pillows behind him and around him.

"Come here." He motions for me to get on the bed. I shake my head no at him. Aren't we in the middle of an argument or discussion? Whatever you want to seem this. "Ana, come here. Please." He holds his hand out this time.

"I'm not getting in bed with you while we discuss this. That always leads to things." I raise an eyebrow at him.

"I promise I won't start things until after we finish our conversation." He wiggles his eyebrows in suggestion and I do roll my eyes at that. This man has sex on the brain all the time. Hell, I'm just the same so I can't fault him on that.

"We aren't together, Christian. This is strictly talking." I tell him in warning of whatever thoughts he has right now.

"I know." His mood changes from playful to somber quickly at my reminder. "I promise, nothing sexual. I just want to be face to face with you and have you close to me." I take a moment to contemplate. I let out a small sigh of defeat and climb on the bed while taking his hand. I follow his lead and straddle him like he suggests. My legs are wrapped around his torso and his arms are anchoring me to him.

"I've missed you. I've missed having you in my arms and waking up to you." His voice catches on the emotion building up in his throat but he clears it away before it takes over. It's quiet for a few seconds as he waits for a response, but I don't offer one in this vulnerable moment. He nods his head before continuing his earlier words.

"I was saying earlier that I know you don't want those things. Love, marriage, babies. It would be great to have them one day, but I would only want them with you if you would ever want them. I'm okay not having those things because I only want you, Ana." He tells me softly. My eyes drift to my fingers in my lap. I'm so lost as to why he would give up his wants and needs for me.

"I just don't understand why you would do that." I tell him honestly.

"Because nothing else matters in my life besides you. I never thought I would fall in love before you. I never even thought of marriage and children. I have survived my whole life without wanting those things. I have no doubt I can survive the rest of my life too." I shake my head at his words.

"I still don't understand." His fingers tilt my chin up to look him in the eyes.

"Then let me prove it to you. Let's go back to the way things were and let me prove it to you."

"Christian, we can't go back. It's too complicated now." I tell him.

"It doesn't have to be." He negotiates. Unfortunately, this isn't a business deal.

"I slept with your best friend." His whole body tenses in response to my words. "See! You just tensed at that. This is way past complicated."

"Then let's start brand new. This doesn't have to be complicated. We can make this whatever you want it to be. I just meant let's go back to how things were between us." He pleads with me. I would love nothing more than to go back and forget all of this happened. I just don't see how that's possible now.

"Trust me, Ana. Just trust me, please." We stare at each other. Grey to blue. So many thoughts are swirling around in my head - how to handle this, to make Christian understand this won't work, and reminding me of all the horrendous things I've had to experience in my life. Yet, my mouth moves faster than my brain can process. My heart wins out for the first time in an incredibly long time and I can't process the shock.

"Okay." I say it so quietly I barely heard myself. Christian's eyes light up with an emotion I'm unfamiliar with. Tears begin to form in his eyes and he pulls me tight against him. Flush together we become one again. However, my brain finally catches up and begins to process what I just did.

"I won't let you down, Ana. I promise to show you that we can make this work. I won't let us fail." The sincerity in his words cause tears to form in my eyes. I push them away, still unable to show this man that side of me.

"I think we need to have the conversation about Luke sooner than later. That needs to be cleared out of the way so you can truly decide if you want to be with me." I tell him.

"Agreed. Let's start now." I roll my eyes at him and his eagerness to know every single detail about my past.

"I still don't think you should know. What happened to our past is our past rule?" I ask already knowing the answer. He questions me constantly about my past, but I've remained quiet in regards to it. I don't bring up his past, he shouldn't bring up mine.

"Peace of mind, Ana. Peace of mind." Is all he says in response to that.

"Fine." I agree with a huff.

"Can we start now?" He asks and I giggle in response. He can't help himself.

"I'm not ready just yet." I whisper while leaning into him.

"You're so beautiful." His words, however simple, cause my blush to ignite. He tucks a wild strand of hair behind my ear then let's his finger trace my jaw. His eyes flick between my mouth and eyes making his intention clear. He leans in carefully and I wait patiently for his lips to meet mine. When they do, the electric current I always feel with him intensifies through my body. The kiss is nothing like our normal kiss. It's soft, tender - as if he's taking his time with me. I pull away much to his disappointment, but I can't let this get too far in case he decides he wants to leave after our Luke talk.

"I think we may need something strong to sip on while we talk about this." I whisper against his ear as I slip off of his lap and head to the kitchen. I find wine in the fridge, but I'm looking for something stronger than that. I find the tequila in the banner next to the fridge and forgo the cups next to it. It's tequila and this conversation is about to be strong - no need for cups at this rate.

I enter the bedroom to find Christian in the same spot I left him in. I take a moment to study him and feel the heat emirate from more core. He's gorgeous, beautiful, delicious. He's intelligent, witty, funny. He wants me. Plain Ana who thinks books are cool.

"Tequila? Is it going to be that bad?" His face scrunches up and it's still the most handsome face ever. I crawl on the bed, propping myself up next to him. I don't think I should be in his face while he asks me questions about my sexual history with his best friend. I take a swig of tequila, unaffected by the taste and burn as it goes down, then pass it off to Christian. He takes a long pull from the bottle and grimaces after he swallows. I hide my smirk at his dislike of tequila.

"Where did you meet him?" He asks as soon as he finishes his large gulp.

"Germany." My reply is short and answers his question. There you go, Ana.

"Okay, if we do it your way it will just take longer and become irritating after a while." He passes the tequila with a raised eyebrow at me. Of course he wants the full details. I struggle with how to respond. I can either be short with my answers where he will ask a million questions with each answer or I can tell him details upfront. I don't know which one is better though. If he leads with questions and specifics, I won't tell him something he unconsciously doesn't want to know. "Ana, please." I look up at his pleading gray eyes and know I have to go with the second option. He won't make this easy on me if I don't. I take another quick swig of tequila before answering.

"We met in Germany one weekend. I was actually living in Italy for school. A few of my friends and I decided to take a trip to Germany. I've always been interested in World War II, so we decided to go visit some museums and landmarks. We were out one night at a local bar and ran into a group of Marines. My classmate Erin invited them to our table. Luke sat down next to me and we began to talk." I handoff the bottle to him and he grimaces before the bottle meets his lips. I have a feeling it's more about our story time than the drink.

"When did you first...sleep with him?" He asks going straight into the hard questions.

"The weekend after meeting him." Doesn't sound so good out loud, but I don't feel an ounce of shame. I turn my body so I can watch him and his reactions. I'll put a stop to this whole thing if I see him getting uneasy or upset. This isn't worth it. Peace of mind or not.

"In Germany?" He asks casually but I know he's reminding me of wanting to know specifics.

"No, Italy. Apparently they were stationed on a job near Milan so he was only about twenty minutes from my apartment there." I decide facing him isn't enough. I move so I'm physically facing him and I sit next to his knees. I grab the bottle from him and enjoy the burn this time before handing it back.

"He got your number the first night or…?" His eyes don't leave mine for one second and I continue to look into his as I answer.

"No. He asked and I blew him off." A smirk falls across Christian's lips but then it falls.

"Why did you blow him off?" Agitated, I huff in response.

"Christian, is that really important? How will knowing that help you with your peace of mind?" I respond tensely. I don't want to do this all night. I've never had to explain myself to anyone and I still can't believe I'm doing it now. But it's the look on his face that tells me this is important to him. He needs to work this out in his head in order for him to move on from it.

"It won't. I just was curious." He looks down at the bottle while his fingers trace the rim. I roll my eyes at him knowing he can't see me.

"I wasn't sleeping with anyone else at the time. That's what you want to know isn't it?" I raise my eyebrow at him this time and he looks thoroughly chided.

"So how did you see him again?" He smiles an apologetic smile before he takes a long swig from the bottle followed by a hiccup. I giggle at how cute it sounds and his smile brightens.

"My group of friends were out in the city that night enjoying dinner when Luke and his friends came to the same place to eat. Erin once again invited them to join us. We went to a club after that and I left with him that night." I wait for his reaction, but one doesn't come.

"Did you leave him the next morning too?" He asks with no malice and I've now figured out what's behind this. Christian needs to hear some sort of significance from me that he's different. He's not like the rest. He's waiting to hear a change in the story that proves he is better than all of them and that I changed for him. Isn't the fact we are sitting here proof enough?

"Christian…" His name is whispered between my lips. My hand finds one of his is solace. He holds the bottle for me to take instead of showing any emotion that lets me confirm what this is really about. I put my lips to the bottle and drink more than a shot of tequila. I then place it on the bedside table knowing we are both growing tipsy. Just tell him, Ana. Just give him what he needs to hear so this can be done.

"Yes, I left him the next morning and went back to my apartment without a second thought about him." He releases a breath of relief it seems.

"So how did you two become an item?" That term irks me and I realize I have no idea what Luke told him.

"We weren't an item Christian." My inner anger at having to explain myself seeps away and my need to end this takes over.

"That's not-" he begins and I know where he is going with that. I cut him off and let him know the truth.

"We weren't anything but friends who fucked, Christian. I told Luke I was only interested in a certain type of relationship. He said that's all he was after too." Honest but blunt.

"Sawyer said there were a bunch of romantic weekend getaways and dates. I don't think fuck buddies do romantic things together." He grits out through a clenched jaw.

"Christian, if he saw it as romantic then that's all on him. I never once led him to believe it was anything more than fucking. Yes, we went away for the weekends but it was mostly with our group of friends. Sure we grabbed dinner a few nights, but it wasn't romantic. It was food. Our friends didn't even know anything was going on between the two of us for the longest time because it was never anything more than friends." I let out a tiresome sigh.

"I want to do those things with you. Take you away for the weekend, explore every single inch of the earth with you. Now I can't." His pout is full on and I don't think I've ever seen anything sexier. Christian Grey's pout it epic.

"Why can't you?" He puts his head back against the headboard and closes his eyes.

"Because you've already done it with him." He exasperatedly explains as if I'm a child. I let him sulk for only a second before I speak.

"And? I don't understand why we can't do that." I need to hear him explain this out loud. I need to be able to show him that we are different than my past.

"It won't be the same. I want to experience all of those things with you first. I want to be the first one who sees you when your eyes catch sight of the Louvre for the first time or wake up with you with the Italian sun kissing your skin."

"So is it because I've experienced them with Luke or because I've experienced it at all?" I ask curiously. He hesitates. His mouth opening and closing once before he speaks.

"It's because…" He frowns as his words drift off.

"We can still do all of those things. Nothing is stopping us from doing whatever we want. We make our own experiences and memories. Don't let the fact I've experienced something at all be the reason we don't experience things together." He watches me as I talk. His brain letting each word sink in.

"Okay." He agrees without taking his eyes off of me. We are quiet for a moment, both looking at each other intently.

"Just promise me one thing and I can out this behind me. Behind us." His voice croaks as he speaks.

"What?" I ask with a small amount of defeat preparing itself in my stomach at what he could ask.

"Just promise me you didn't love him. I wouldn't make it if I found out later on that you lied to save my feelings." His voice is now a hushed whisper, his vulnerable side clear as day. I fight the smile threatening to appear on his lips. This I can give him.

"I promise. I never loved him and it wasn't anything more than what I told you earlier." I smile as I lean into his neck and press a soft kiss in one of his many spots. I can feel the tension in his body release and he sags against the headboard.

A yawn escapes both of us at the same time but mine is followed by a giggle.

"Let's go to bed. Our fresh start begins in the morning and I can't wait another minute until it arrives." He says while climbing out of bed and stripping to his chiseled birthday suit. I follow suit and we both crawl back into bed at the same time. He pulls me tightly to him, my head resting on his chest and his nose buried in my hair. I'm more exhausted than I realized as sleep quickly comes.

However, I hear him whisper "I love you" before falling into a deep sleep. For the first time, in a long time, I'm not freaked out by the words.


End file.
